Page A20 September 2024 What to Say (or Not Say) to a New Widower Friends and family members are often afraid to speak with a new widower… and with good reason as we are frequently emotionally traumatized after losing our wives. The following summarizes advice I shared during some recent radio interviews. Share this with others to help them know how they can better support their widower friend or family member as they struggle through this difficult time. WHAT TO SAY TO A NEW WIDOWER I often recommend you start by asking the widower to tell their story (both their wife’s story and their own) – ask questions that prompt them to tell their story, such as: • How did you meet? • What made her special? • How and when did she pass? Widowers need to tell their story. It honors their wife every time they do so. They heal just a little bit every time they tell their story. I must have told my story a couple hundred times in the first year after losing Theresa, my wife of 45 years. If you (a friend or family member) have a story about their wife to share with them, go ahead and share it. We widowers love to hear funny stories about our wives that remind us of special traits that made her a unique and special human. We also love to hear moving stories about something special she did for others, it lets us know that others loved her too. WHAT NOT TO SAY TO NEW WIDOWER Many comments can be insensitive. Don’t be one of those people that says: By Fred Colby Share This With Widowers Fred Colby has served as a director, board member and consultant for nonprofit organizations in California and Colorado. After his wife, Theresa, died in 2015 Fred shifted his focus to writing and leadership roles to help his fellow widowers heal and re-engage with life. He co-founded the Pathways Hospice Men’s Grief Group and an online grief group. He resides in Ft. Collins, Colorado. For more information go to: www.fredcolby.com. Fred Colby’s new 2nd edition blends his own story with research, observations, and experiences during the first year of grieving the loss of his wife, plus what he learned after his first edition was printed. The book is in part a result of his frustration with the lack of other in-depth or quality materials available to help fellow widowers. His search for anWidower to Widower Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship New Second Edition To see what others are saying about Widower to Widower go to https://www.fredcolby.com/media Special Offer — 5 Books for $59.99 https://www.fredcolby.com/buy-books/order-5-pack-for-groups www. Fr e dCo l by . com swers took him to group meetings, individual counseling sessions, writings by fellow widowers, and discussions resulting from happenstance meetings with fellow travelers on the grief journey. • You or your wife somehow deserved this • You did not pray enough • Don’t be sad, just be happy • Everything happens for a reason – it will all be o.k. in the end • Grieving lasts just a while, you will be stronger for it If you cannot think of something positive or supportive to say, don’t say anything at all. We don’t need anyone else’s selfrighteousness, or personal life philosophy. In these times of heightened anxiety and stress, too many people are ready to go negative and feed our self-doubts and guilt. Keep that to yourself and leave us alone if that is your approach. Also, don’t thoughtlessly ask “How are you doing.” Widowers know that in most cases, you don’t really want to know, and are praying that he won’t answer that question honestly. They often want to say something like, “I feel like crap! Do you really want to know how I feel?” WHAT I TELL NEW WIDOWERS When I first meet a new widower, I usually will try to provide support by telling them: • You are NOT going crazy! • What you are going through is normal. • Expect there to be both physical and emotional pain for months if not a year or more. • You will often feel like you are losing control, this too is normal. • You may feel like half of your being has been ripped away from you. • You may not know who you are anymore and may have to reinvent yourself in order to heal. I hope this provides you and your family and friends with thoughts for consideration. 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Each year, two individuals, a funeral service professional and an industry partner leader, are selected by the board of trustees to receive this distinguished award. The awards ceremony will take place during the Selected Educational Trust Reception, to be held on Wednesday, September 25 at Disney’s Grand Floridian Resort & Spa, Lake Buena Vista, FL, in conjunction with the Selected Independent Funeral Homes Annual Meeting. “This year’s recipients exemplify not just a commitment to the independent funeral service profession, but also innovation and giving back with an eye toward the future,” stated Stefanie Favia, the Trust’s executive director. “It is an honor to recognize the accomplishments and efforts of Nunnaley and Bridgers, and their personal commitment to paving the way for the next generation.” For more information, visit www.selectedtrust.org or contact Favia at stefanie@selectedtrust.org. Make an Ambassador Envoy gift to the Trust in honor of the recipients at www.selectedtrust.org/ambassador-of-the-year-awardsprogram. News EDUCATIONAL Nunnaley, Bridgers Named 2024 Ambassadors of the Year Tim Bridgers Robert Nunnaley LINCOLNSHIRE,IL— The Selected Educational Trust is pleased to announce the 2024 Ambassador of the Year Award recipients: Robert Nunnaley, owner/director, Fry and Prickett Funeral Home, Carthage, NC, 2024 Ambassador of the Year - funeral service professional; and Tim SEND US YOUR NEWS! PO Box 5159 Youngstown, Oh 44514 1-800-321-7479 info@nomispublications.com
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