There is a part of me that wants to fill the world with humor and joy. A part of me that would love to be the purveyor of smiles, laughter, and happiness, but that is not my gift. I am what some might call a thinker. A person who loves to analyze, discuss, debate, and explore all of life’s ups and downs. My gifts lie in finding the light, love, and hope even our darkest moments can bring.
Gifts I believe each of you have in spades. How else could you answer the call to help your families and communities during their most difficult moments? Still it would be fun to be able to switch hats for a moment and be the one that makes people laugh. The one people think of and can’t help but smile, but that isn’t me.
Like so many of you, my gifts lie in helping people find their own smile. The one they didn’t know was there. The one that comes when they realize death cannot kill relationships. The light that comes when they realize that they are forever their child’s mom or dad, their parents’ daughter or son, their love’s husband or wife, their grandparents’ granddaughter or grandson, their friends’ friend and their pet’s human. The peace that comes when they begin to realize the pain that is literally breaking their heart apart is creating an opening for love to grow.
We are here to help all we can realize that death is not the end and part of how we do this is by helping people express and find comfort in their sadness. There is nothing happy about grief. It is an all encompassing pain that I would not wish on my worst friend. So why do so many try to gloss over it? Do we think if we concentrate on celebrating the life of the deceased that we can make the pain less? We can’t.
The only way to lessen pain is to let it go. Sounds easy and yet letting go is one of the most difficult parts of grief. We want to hold on to the relationship we know. We want the one we love to be alive. We do not want the pain that is breaking our hearts and this may be a part of why the pain cannot go.
To let pain go we must first accept it. To help people let go of the pain that comes from grief we must help those we serve make peace with the reality that the one they love is dead. We must help them express their sadness so that they may find the peace that only comes from acceptance. It is in this peace that they can experience that small sliver of joy for what their love continues to mean to them. This may be the smallest sliver of joy they will ever know but it is in that space that they will begin to let go of the pain and grow their new relationship with the one they grieve and each other.
Funerals are not like any other celebration. They are where we say hello to our sadness, welcome our grief, and rely on love to help us let go of our pain. This is why I know, in our own way, we are the purveyors of love, hope and joy. I look forward to your thoughts.