Page A20 MAY 2023 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS Section A As they regain control of their physical and mental self, they will also build a new sense of confidence that allows them to gradually establish a new stronger foundation that lets them move forward with their love for their wife and their life together still intact. Widowers and Self-Punishment In many cultures and religions, self-flagellation is accepted as an appropriate way to drive the demons, bad thoughts, and immoral behaviors out of oneself. Often, movies depict this with a person whipping themselves with a short whip or leather braids. While widowers may not resort to this kind of physical purging, they often do participate in a form of selfflagellation which can be just as harmful and self-defeating. After their wives die, it is easy to fall into the unending cycle of blaming themself or others for her death, for: • any difficulties she had during her last months or years, • failing to help her more prior to or during her illness, • self-perceived shortfalls during their marriage, or • not being more loving or empathetic. For some widowers, this mental self-flagellation may have its roots somewhere much deeper in their past. The loss of their wife can amp it up to something much more self-destructive. For example, I have been known to talk to myself frequently and out loud. This could take the form of self-criticisms for saying something insensitive, forgetting something, making a mistake at work or home, or missing an opportunity. Often, verbalization of these self-criticisms allows me to vent and get it out of my system. But sometimes it can lead to an unhealthy obsession with things that I should just let go of. It took me years to confront and overcome this form of self-punishment to the point that it became a sort of comic relief where I say it, recognize it for what it is, and just laugh and move on. However, after my wife of 45 years passed, this selfBy Fred Colby Working With Widowers Fred Colby has served as a director, board member and consultant for nonprofit organizations in California and Colorado. After his wife, Theresa, died in 2015 Fred shifted his focus to writing and leadership roles to help his fellow widowers heal and re-engage with life. He co-founded the Pathways Hospice Men’s Grief Group and an online grief group. He resides in Ft. Collins, Colorado. For more information go to: www.fredcolby.com. Fred Colby’s new 2nd edition blends his own story with research, observations, and experiences during the first year of grieving the loss of his wife, plus what he learned after his first edition was printed. The book is in part a result of his frustration with the lack of other in-depth or quality materials available to help fellow widowers. His search for anWidower to Widower Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship New Second Edition To see what others are saying about Widower to Widower go to https://www.fredcolby.com/media Special Offer — 5 Books for $59.99 https://www.fredcolby.com/buy-books/order-5-pack-for-groups www. Fr e dCo l by . com swers took him to group meetings, individual counseling sessions, writings by fellow widowers, and discussions resulting from happenstance meetings with fellow travelers on the grief journey. flagellation returned with a vengeance. I would express my anger and displeasure by yelling mainly at myself. Fortunately, I was able to confine this behavior to my house where I was then living alone. I recognized that this behavior was counter-productive and would not help me heal in any way. Certainly, there was some therapeutic value during the first few weeks when all the pent-up fear, anger, loneliness, and self-doubts were at their peak. This had to come out some way. I remembered reading about a widower who would escape to the woods next to his house to yell as much as he wanted to at the top of his lungs. So, I knew this was not unusual. But there was nothing to be gained by continuing this behavior after some time had passed. I had to confront it. Over time as my inner turmoil calmed down, I learned to forgive myself for some of both the real and the self-perceived faults. As I turned my focus from regrets and anger to the celebration of our lives together… a sense of calm emerged, and I found myself able to gradually eliminate these bouts of self-flagellation. If a widower finds themself in this cycle of regrets, doubts, and pain the first step towards healing is to recognize it for what it is, and then realize that it adds absolutely nothing to their much-needed healing process. They can confront this behavior and consign it to the waste bins of their personal history. A widower may find that they need the assistance of a grief therapist (I did) to talk this and other behavior through in an open and honest way. The therapist can help them see how they might gradually diminish its hold on them through various techniques. 1-888-792-9315 • mymortuarycooler.com Scan QR for our website Cots not included MODEL # TR3 Triple Cot Roll-In Mortuary Cooler AMC N W FAST SHIPPING AVAILABLE ON SELECT PRODUCTS Be sure to visit! Booth 611 tions, and self-care strategies that can be explored by the teen. This project was created in direct collaboration with teens who are grieving to ensure the teen grief experience is elevated and centered. These activity books are available individually or at a bulk discount rate per 50 books. Proceeds from the activity book go to support the charitable purposes of the NACG. The National Alliance for Children’s Grief is a nonprofit organization that raises awareness about the needs of children and teens who are grieving a death and provides education and resources for anyone who supports them. Through the collective voice of their members and partners, they educate, advocate and raise awareness about childhood bereavement. Learn more at www.nacg.org. Teen Grief Journal is Now Available in English and Spanish! LUBBOCK,TX— The National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) is proud to announce that the Teen Grief Journal is now available in both English and Spanish. Teen Grief Journal | Diario de duelo para adolescentes is an interactive journal for teens to express their grief experience. This journal includes supportive quotes on each page directly from other teens who are grieving to validate and encourage them as they adjust to life without their person. The pages of the journal include prompts, reflecDIGITAL DIRECTORY Available Download instantly at www.NomisPublications.com Save on Shipping! 2023 NFDA INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION & EXPO Registration Opens June 1! WE’LL SEE YOU ONE MONTH EARLIER THIS YEAR! LAS VEGAS, NV • SEPTEMBER 10-13 CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE nfda.org/convention IN LAS VEGAS! 2023_Convention_1/4 NOMIS Ad.indd 1 4/10/23 3:22 PM
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